Cocoa Crusty

I lie here in pain. My heart has been ripped from my chest. I have caused so much hurt to people very close to me for a while now. All the while, I am the one who is suffering it seems.

Two years ago, I never knew how to feel. I never truly felt emotion or knew how to express my true feelings. I have learned a lot and at the same time I wish I was as numb and self protecting as I have been in the past. Ever since I can remember, I have suppressed my feelings. I have hid my hurts and fears behind humor, making people happy, only to disguise my inner being and all that might lurk within me.

I now have an understanding of what it is like to love, care, to have been loved, and to be dead on the inside… I guess I have been dead emotionally for a while but now for some reason I can feel it. Why I feel now, I don’t know…

I am supposed to maintain my walls of protection to save myself… However, at this point in my life, I will remove my barriers I have put in place for my sole protection to become as transparent as possible… I have very little to offer anyone any more…

I will get better… There is no other alternative… I have nowhere else to go but up… But, believe me, I know how low the bottom can really be…

Until next time…

Have you ever let perfection slip through your arms out of fear? Have you held perfection in your hands and let it slip through like water through a drain? Have you ever felt like your cries fall on deaf ears? Have you ever wondered why you’ve caused so much and felt so much pain?

When you say you’ll never hurt someone again, can you go back to them knowing there’s always a possibility that it could happen even if you realize your mistakes? Do you think that there’s a true path designed for you? Do you understand why you walk in the opposite direction?

When things seem so right, why do you find wrong in them? When you can’t find anything negative, why do you still turn and run? Why does the right thing cause you to fear the worst when you haven’t even seen a hint of evil in it thus far? It’s strange how the choices you make effect your life in the most drastic way… Even when the decisions seem so miniscule to the grand scheme of things…

The simplest things in the world seem to be the most weighing… You pull the trigger on a decision and you feel the pain for an eternity… Why?

Until next time…

Ok, ok, I didn’t walk/run yesterday… I know it’s wrong. I put in two days back to back and felt like trash yesterday so I went home and straight to bed… I’ll double up this evening. I’ll do my 15 minute walk that I should have done yesterday and then my “walk 5 minutes, run 1, walk 5, run 1, walk 5″ workout this evening a little later… I’m gonna make this work!

Until next time…

Well, I have recently reentered the 200+ club… Today I weighed in at 202.3 pounds… I have been feeling a little trashy… Not so much about my physical appearance, which is rough in itself, but just physically blah… I knew it was time for a change.

I had heard about the whole collaboration between Nike and Apple where you can put this nifty little device in your shoe, have it wirelessly transmit to an Apple iPod Nano, and then report your results from your walks/runs to the Nike+ Web site…

The Nike+ Web site allows you to keep track of your runs: the distance, time, calories burned, etc. It also lets you set goals for yourself and also provides training through pre-configured workout plans. Well, being the techie that I am, and the bigness that I sport, I decided to give this stuff a try.

Today was my first WALK and my first bit of exercise in quite sometime… I broke a sweat, my legs burned at first, but overall I really enjoyed it… My stats will constantly be updated in the block below. You can laugh and it won’t even hurt my feelings… But, and I do mean but, keep in mind that I still currently smoke a pack a day… which I hope to quit soon… I’ve already started eating grilled chicken wraps or grilled chicken salads pretty regularly… Anyway, that’s me…

Until next time…

<RAMBLING>

Have you ever done something that you regret? Have you ever avoided doing something that you regret? Do you ever wish you would have told someone something that could have changed your life totally for the better but didn’t? Do you regret it? Have you walked away from something special in your life for fear of being hurt and then regretted it? Have you felt the pressure was too strong in a certain situation for you to stick around so you left the situation completely and now regret it?

I have made many mistakes in my life and, the bad thing is, I can’t go back and repair the damage I have done. I can only live with regrets. I have hurt many people in my life and can’t seem to get to the point where I can attempt to right my wrongs. Even if I could right my wrongs, I don’t think that the person would let me back into their life. It’s like forgiveness can be granted, but things can never be the same between the two. I’ve caused so much hurt to some people that they can’t even look at me. Won’t even look at me. Refuse to think about the good times we shared. The pain I have caused is not something I can take back and I don’t deserve even a chance to make things right or to prove that I can be everything and more that I once was.

The emptiness you feel when you live with regrets is unreal. Knowing that you have not only hurt yourself immensely, but that you have caused someone you care about so much pain, the same amount of pain, if not more than you feel, hurts deeply. How do you go back? Can you go back? If you can’t go back and make things better or mend the relationship, how do you move on? How do you not only deal with the hurt you feel, but the fact that you can never once again be engaged with this person in a way that is meaningful to both of you?

How do you live with the hurt when you know what you walked away from seemed so perfect, like nothing you had ever felt before? How can you ever make it up to the person, or should we say the victim? Especially when they have walls built up so tall to resist you that even God has troubles seeing over them. They are protecting themselves so tightly that you don’t see even an inch of weakness that you could rush through, grab them, let them feel your embrace to just even show them that you are truly sorry and would love for another chance to make things right. Just a chance.

Am I the only man, person, other out there that has huge regrets in my life? Am I the only one who has hurt someone you care deeply about and can’t make it right between that person or even attempt to renew and pursue that relationship again?

To those I have hurt, I am sorry… Please forgive me… I would love the opportunity to make things right. I would love the opportunity to move forward or pick up from where we left off. I just want back what I have lost… yet, I know I don’t deserve it.

I write this for the world to see… I am a broken man…

</RAMBLING>

Until next time…