Cocoa Crusty

I am starting (why now, right?!) to realize that the struggle I face is within myself. Not with anyone in particular, although I bring those around me down and cause pain in he process… I have fears that I must face, decisions that I must make for me, and all of these things piled on top of each other cause inner turmoil that you can not believe.

I have made mistakes in the past. Everyone that knows me well enough can vouch for that. I am afraid of making mistakes. Again, if anyone knows me, they know that I like to be the best I can be at whatever I do. However, I have got to cut myself some slack, somehow, so that I may be free from my own self destructive thoughts and actions. I feel that the battle warring within me is extremely violent right now. My spirit is weak… My body is weak… Sometimes, I don’t see any way to come out on top. I don’t even know what I would call “the top”. Where am I heading? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Why?

I write these things in my blog for one reason. I can’t be hidden in the dark any longer. I need to be transparent for myself. To let myself get these things out almost makes me feel human… The broken side of me knows I feel pain but the prideful part of me, or the protective part, wants me to keep my emotions bottled up and not let anyone near me. I’ve been close to others before. However, leaving myself open has caused hurts… I’m sure not beyond repair… However, how long will it take to make these things whole again?

Blah, blah, blah… Know the war is still in process… I will win… The alternative is not an option… I will not be defeated by my own fears, regrets, and memories of mistakes… I just may be a bit distant until everything is sorted out…

Until next time…

Happy belated Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there who are Crusty readers…

Sometimes, life seems to be a complete mystery and I don’t even know where to start. My mind hasn’t been the same since mid year, 2006. It seems that most every choice I have made since that time has been a disaster… I make decisions in haste it seems. I’ve done a lot of damage to myself and others throughout the past 2 years… Things seem to be a little hectic, all the time.

I understand that everyone has ups and downs, but my downs seem to be a little more frequent than what I see in most people’s lives. I know there are a lot of people out there that are worse off than me, and again, I should be thankful for what I do have, but emotionally, I am a wreck. I destroy relationships because I don’t seem to know how to handle them anymore… Going from being married for 8-years, although I wasn’t the best husband, to nothing has seemed to put a whole different “day job” on how I interact with others… I move quickly. I try to protect those I seem to be getting close to by pushing them away. I mean, if you had a close friend standing too close to the edge of a huge disaster area, wouldn’t you push them away?!

I think alone time is looking good for me right now… Every time I try to relax, I can’t. Every time I try to do something I think will bring me happiness, it goes bottom up. I can’t handle it for some reason. So, maybe being alone will be good…

Until next time…

Well, the tats are healing ok. Above is a photo taken on my iPhone after the session was over… Fun, right?! I think my expression in the photo is two-fold. One, I am extremely happy that the session is over. Two, I am in pain… Ironically, after getting the Kanji symbol for Pain tattooed on my person… By the way, ribs are a very tender place to get ink… Beware!

I seem to continue searching for myself, for happiness, and anything in between that will complete me… I am dissatisfied right now. I am stir crazy. I go from one thing to the next in hopes of finding peace… I normally only get myself into more trouble and more of a rut. It’s not anyone’s fault in particular other than my own. I’m not settled… I haven’t been for quite sometime…

Life is supposed to be fun. At times it is. At other times, it is the biggest drag… I know I am complaining a lot and should be fortunate for what I have, health, good job, nice home, car, etc. but none of those things seem to even touch on my emotional state… Am I in the right place? Surrounded with the right people? Questions that may never be answered…

As I have said before, I am prepared to die a lonely man… Eaten with stress, anxiety, and a touch of depression… How many people live their lives this way every day? I may be one of them until I can break out of this cycle… And, I have faith that I will… At the moment, I just don’t know how or when that will happen… Such is life…

Until next time…

Well, the tattoos are healing well. Jason did a very good job on my pieces this weekend. I am very impressed! I will be getting more…

So, I obviously have a lot on my mind. I have a lot of things to say again… I am working on some stuff for a real EP to be released for anyone who wants to hear the ramblings of a torn man… I think the EP will be very dark, depressing, and real… If that doesn’t do it for you, please don’t listen… That’s how I’m living right now and that’s what I am going to bring to the studio…

I look forward to getting some more ink related to how I’m feeling… I know it is probably dumb to some, but my canvas has already been used… It’s not like I’m just taking this plunge for the first time… I got my first 4 tattoos in 6 days… The addiction has been there for a while now… I’m just looking for a little more meaning in my body art… Hell, I’ve got to express my feelings in some capacity…

Until next time…

Love & Pain…

Lately, I have been through a lot emotionally. I’ve felt love, and I’ve felt pain… This weekend I decided to get some more ink. But, I wanted these tattoos to truly have meaning for what I am going through in my life…

I got two tattoos, about 3" tall, on my left and right ribs. The symbol on the left [supposedly] stands for Love. The symbol on the right [supposedly] stands for Pain. I seem to feel these emotions a lot these days, unfortunately together in the same situations, over and over.

I got the Love symbol on my left ribs, close to the heart, because I feel that someday, Love will truly trump the pain I have felt in some recent relationships.

The Pain symbol is on my right side because, while the two seem to be interrelated at the moment, I would like to, at some point, separate the two.

Obviously, I’ll always have pain in my life, but I’m hoping for it not to be directly related to love…

Because of some decisions I have made over the past couple of years, I decided to put these tattoos on my ribs. I have heard that this location is extremely tender and painful… I thought I may need a little physical punishment (no, I’m not a sadist) for some of my recent actions…

I handled both tattoos really well, I felt, and the artist, Jason Standridge was equally impressed with my tolerance for the situation.

The ironic thing is this… We did the Love piece first, then the Pain piece. Love went by without a hitch, just a little discomfort… Pain on the other hand… well, it was more pain that I had felt with the first piece. Either way, I was ready and willing to face whatever it took to get these two pieces put on my person…

Strange, I know… But, above is a B&W photo of my latest ink (two images wrapped in a black sloppy frame and shoved together… Only the symbols were tattooed on me…)… These shots are just under 24 hours after they were finished… They’re still a little scabby, although I didn’t bleed very much during either tat…

Until next time…