Cocoa Crusty

I’m thinking that I’m so screwed up right now because I don’t have any sort of physical activity in my life, therefore, my blood doesn’t flow to all the vital parts of my being. This may be why I continue to make bad decisions… My blood is starving for oxygen and blood flow…

Yesterday, I walked 1.46 miles in just over 22 minutes. It felt good to walk, if only for the discipline factor… Using my Nike+ gear does help. I like gadgets and this helps encourage me to walk/run. I like the fact that I can visualize my walks/runs (no running yet, that’ll be in a few weeks). It also gives me stats as to how many calories I burn, my average pace (which is slow), etc.

Below is an updated “widget” that shows my last run stats. There is also a link to my last walk. Enjoy… I’m a loser!

Yesterday’s Walk… BTW, my pace is far from consistent…

Until next time…

I am starting (why now, right?!) to realize that the struggle I face is within myself. Not with anyone in particular, although I bring those around me down and cause pain in he process… I have fears that I must face, decisions that I must make for me, and all of these things piled on top of each other cause inner turmoil that you can not believe.

I have made mistakes in the past. Everyone that knows me well enough can vouch for that. I am afraid of making mistakes. Again, if anyone knows me, they know that I like to be the best I can be at whatever I do. However, I have got to cut myself some slack, somehow, so that I may be free from my own self destructive thoughts and actions. I feel that the battle warring within me is extremely violent right now. My spirit is weak… My body is weak… Sometimes, I don’t see any way to come out on top. I don’t even know what I would call “the top”. Where am I heading? Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Why?

I write these things in my blog for one reason. I can’t be hidden in the dark any longer. I need to be transparent for myself. To let myself get these things out almost makes me feel human… The broken side of me knows I feel pain but the prideful part of me, or the protective part, wants me to keep my emotions bottled up and not let anyone near me. I’ve been close to others before. However, leaving myself open has caused hurts… I’m sure not beyond repair… However, how long will it take to make these things whole again?

Blah, blah, blah… Know the war is still in process… I will win… The alternative is not an option… I will not be defeated by my own fears, regrets, and memories of mistakes… I just may be a bit distant until everything is sorted out…

Until next time…

Happy belated Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there who are Crusty readers…

Sometimes, life seems to be a complete mystery and I don’t even know where to start. My mind hasn’t been the same since mid year, 2006. It seems that most every choice I have made since that time has been a disaster… I make decisions in haste it seems. I’ve done a lot of damage to myself and others throughout the past 2 years… Things seem to be a little hectic, all the time.

I understand that everyone has ups and downs, but my downs seem to be a little more frequent than what I see in most people’s lives. I know there are a lot of people out there that are worse off than me, and again, I should be thankful for what I do have, but emotionally, I am a wreck. I destroy relationships because I don’t seem to know how to handle them anymore… Going from being married for 8-years, although I wasn’t the best husband, to nothing has seemed to put a whole different “day job” on how I interact with others… I move quickly. I try to protect those I seem to be getting close to by pushing them away. I mean, if you had a close friend standing too close to the edge of a huge disaster area, wouldn’t you push them away?!

I think alone time is looking good for me right now… Every time I try to relax, I can’t. Every time I try to do something I think will bring me happiness, it goes bottom up. I can’t handle it for some reason. So, maybe being alone will be good…

Until next time…

Well, the tats are healing ok. Above is a photo taken on my iPhone after the session was over… Fun, right?! I think my expression in the photo is two-fold. One, I am extremely happy that the session is over. Two, I am in pain… Ironically, after getting the Kanji symbol for Pain tattooed on my person… By the way, ribs are a very tender place to get ink… Beware!

I seem to continue searching for myself, for happiness, and anything in between that will complete me… I am dissatisfied right now. I am stir crazy. I go from one thing to the next in hopes of finding peace… I normally only get myself into more trouble and more of a rut. It’s not anyone’s fault in particular other than my own. I’m not settled… I haven’t been for quite sometime…

Life is supposed to be fun. At times it is. At other times, it is the biggest drag… I know I am complaining a lot and should be fortunate for what I have, health, good job, nice home, car, etc. but none of those things seem to even touch on my emotional state… Am I in the right place? Surrounded with the right people? Questions that may never be answered…

As I have said before, I am prepared to die a lonely man… Eaten with stress, anxiety, and a touch of depression… How many people live their lives this way every day? I may be one of them until I can break out of this cycle… And, I have faith that I will… At the moment, I just don’t know how or when that will happen… Such is life…

Until next time…