Archive for May, 2008
It’s 1:30 in the AM and I feel really good about things. I feel like I have expressed some things that have been weighing heavy on me lately. I feel like things are turning for the better.
I am starting to hang out with friends again. I am starting to be me again. I have been shut out for far too long and it is time I started enjoying those around me more and not letting things get at me so much. I am handling my stress a bit better. I feel like everything will fall into place and I don’t have to be in control of everything all the time.
To those of you who have been reading the “broken man” ramblings, I’m sorry you actually read that stuff. That was just some stuff I guess I needed to get off of my chest. I don’t regret writing it. I wouldn’t have wrote it for the world to see if I didn’t want it known… I needed to be transparent and quit hiding behind a facade.
I am very excited about where I am right now. I am feeling comfort in things that have been hard to deal with in the past. I am happy with those I have allowed to see me for me. I am glad I have good friends that encourage me and appreciate you all! Like I have said before, I knew I would break out of this funk. I just didn’t know when… It seems now that I have let go of some things in my life emotionally, that I can finally move on.
On a positive note, Josh came over this evening to pick up some gear and we took a few minutes out to lay down some tracks in the studio… We had a good time and unwound a bit. There may be something soon from the tracks Josh recorded this evening… There may also be some comedic videos to come from me and the Outlaw Division crew… We’ll see…
Until next time…
Things have been up and down for a while, as most of you know. I think things are starting to settle down a little. I am working through a lot of stuff internally, but think I am starting to forgive myself for some of the past hurts I have caused and forgive those around me.
Life’s too short to continue living in constant turmoil day after day… It’s time to live again…
Until next time…
BTW, I turned 31 yesterday… I guess I’ve started that downhill spiral! 
I know I’m an ass for writing my feelings for the world to see, but this somehow makes me seem human… Maybe all 2.3 of my readers are my therapists and they just sit me on the digital couch and read… Who knows, it makes me feel a little better to get my thoughts out and into the open… Way open since they’re on the Internet for all to see… I’m crazy, I know…
I am starting to feel a little better emotionally. I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t need anyone to validate who I am. I’m either me without anyone, or me with someone, but I need to be me. I’ve experienced a lot of hurt over the past few years and I think I am just now starting to deal with it… A little late, I know, but I guess these things take time…
Before you read on, know that I don’t hold any grudges, or try not to. I just have had some experiences in my life that I am trying to deal with within myself. I hold no one at fault for where I am, other than myself.
I guess in 2006 I experienced the deepest betrayal I believe one could. The bad part is this: I brought it on myself. Ever since then, I have had huge trust issues. I have doubted myself. I haven’t forgiven myself for things I did to get to the situation I was put in in 2006. I may never forgive myself…
I didn’t walk or run yesterday… When I woke up, it was pouring rain outside… When I got home, I didn’t feel like doing anything…
Am I entitled to a sick/bad weather day?! I don’t believe I’ll have time to do my walking/running this evening either… We’ll see. I’d really like to get it in every day… Well, at least 6 days a week… I need to get healthy, get the blood flowing, heart rate up, see if I can;’t get something flowing around in the top of my dome so I can shake some of these ill feelings I have been having. I’m hoping to improve my decision making process… In my personal life at least… That’s where I seem to be struggling these days…
So, I know all 3 of my faithful readers know that I am personally going through some stuff… It will pass… I just need to do something to start feeling better about myself… Who cares if I get skinny (that’ll never happen), I just want to feel better… Physically and mentally…
Until next time…
Yesterday’s 1-mile walk/run went by pretty fast. I did 1.29 mile in 15 minutes, 34 seconds with an average pace of 12 minute, one second per mile. That is good for me…
Anyway, I have enjoyed my physical exertion this week. I enjoy the alone time, listening to music, and pushing myself to do a little bit more than I care to. I feel good after I get done running. I feel a little sore in the mornings. I look forward to doing it again… I just hope I can stick with it…
Until next time…
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