This entry was posted on Friday, May 16th, 2008 at 11:45 AM and is filed under Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
I know I’m an ass for writing my feelings for the world to see, but this somehow makes me seem human… Maybe all 2.3 of my readers are my therapists and they just sit me on the digital couch and read… Who knows, it makes me feel a little better to get my thoughts out and into the open… Way open since they’re on the Internet for all to see… I’m crazy, I know…
I am starting to feel a little better emotionally. I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t need anyone to validate who I am. I’m either me without anyone, or me with someone, but I need to be me. I’ve experienced a lot of hurt over the past few years and I think I am just now starting to deal with it… A little late, I know, but I guess these things take time…
Before you read on, know that I don’t hold any grudges, or try not to. I just have had some experiences in my life that I am trying to deal with within myself. I hold no one at fault for where I am, other than myself.
I guess in 2006 I experienced the deepest betrayal I believe one could. The bad part is this: I brought it on myself. Ever since then, I have had huge trust issues. I have doubted myself. I haven’t forgiven myself for things I did to get to the situation I was put in in 2006. I may never forgive myself…
I have been hurt in ways that some hopefully will never have to experience. My issue was two fold. I kind of had two things ripped out from under me with one drop of a hat. Just like that, everything I thought I had ever worked for was taken from me. Something I could never have was given to someone I wanted to give it to the most. Although, there are reasons beyond my comprehension as to why I never could, I did try, wanted to, and spent an awful lot of money and endured some very uncomfortable and painful situations trying to get there…
After being married for 8 years (9+ including the separation), I had a hard time adjusting to no longer being a provider. I believe that is one place I never failed in my marriage, although it wasn’t the one I should have focused on the most. I put my job first in so many instances and I ultimately paid the highest price for that. I became engulfed in trying to provide for my “family” so much that I neglected the mere basics that truly make a relationship (hey, you… I’m sorry…). My focus was off… I hadn’t ever been put in this situation before… I thought I was doing my part by providing but there was much more to it…
Once, I started listening more, had outside forces at play in my safe haven, I started realizing what I had been missing. I realized what I should have been giving all along. I attended counseling and started reading self-help books in certain areas to better myself to play the role I needed to. All the while, the damage was already done… As some might say, too little, too late… And, I had no one to blame but myself… I had put me and my wife in this situation and there was no turning back…
Even still, I feel alone. Even when surrounded with tons of friends, and family from time to time, I feel alone. I feel like my God ordained mission of providing and procreating has been pulled and I’ve been called back to the barracks… I guess I feel really empty… Like I have no purpose any more… Sometimes, I believe I will die a lonely old man (yes, even older looking than I am now). I guess I feel this way because I have no kids… At times, I feel this way because I think within my twisted little brain, that even if I were to get with a woman with kids, I would always know they could never love me like a father… I would never actually be a father… To some this may not matter… Maybe I need to join those ranks…
I will love again, marry, probably a woman with children of her own, and will someday achieve true happiness. I will give it my all. I will not hold back in any respect of my relationship with this person. But, I wonder if I will always harbor these ill feelings about my performance in the past. Will I continue to beat myself up subconsciously? Can I ever forgive myself?!
I now know that the greatest war I face is within myself. I understand that I can’t be anything to anyone until I can slay these inner demons… Sure, we can be happy. Someone is more than likely able to help me through my issues, but I feel so useless to people sometimes… I think that is why I isolate myself from everyone… I guess I feel like I’m preparing myself for the rest of my life…
Anyway, that’s enough rambling for today… just some thoughts I needed to get off of my chest…
On a side note, I AM walking/jogging tonight, and my tats are healing well (I think)…
Until next time…
P.S. I am turning off comments and trackbacks/pings on this post. I don’t need anyone to tell me they’re praying for me, that they know how I feel and that they’ve been there before. I don’t need encouraging words from people… I don’t need prayers sent up by someone else. I can pray for myself and I do… God knows my problems anyway… I need to deal with this trash on my own so that I may be whole again… And, when I’m whole again, I’m sure I’ll do something stupid again to ruin everything all over again… Vicious cycle?! I sure hope not! 
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